Sunday, 29 April 2018

How Kullein got her groove back; starting over for the 99th time



‘Does it really count as starting over if you’re doing it for the nth time?’

‘Isn’t that more of a re-arrangement than an overhaul?’

‘Does it have to be an overhaul to count as a start-over?’

All these questions run through my mind as I look through red-rimmed eyelids at the grey wooden toilet door. I’ve been seated in this stall for about almost an hour hoping that I will finally compose myself long enough to walk back to my desk and act like nothing is happening. It’s a narrow stall; I can’t even spread my hands out fully in opposite directions, but somehow I like that. Every fifteen minutes or so, I get up, flush the toilet (to make it look like it was nothing but an exceptionally long call) and then reach for the door. The tears then make a re-appearance and I sit back down. It’s not smelly thank God, and the white wall tiles are surprisingly well kept. A one Gerald stuck a note on the inside of the toilet door basically threatening us into remembering bathroom etiquette; “If you sprinkle as you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat”. Does Gerald know that this means people are thinking of him almost every time they answer nature’s call?

I don’t want to go back to face the world. I’m so tired of “adulting”. Should I just feign sickness and head home early? I’m so angry, and sad, and full of regret and self-pity, a cocktail of emotions I haven’t had to sip on in so long that even though I know it’s not really the first time, the intensity feels strange. It’s like that cousin you were best friends with when you were ten but when you meet up fifteen years later as adults, you have nothing to say to each other. Familiar, but strange.



KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. ‘Is someone in there?’ I must have got lost in thought for a few minutes because I hear a group of girls mumbling outside, something about the stall having been locked for the longest time.

‘GO AWAY’!!!! is what I’m thinking, but I’ve been raised well enough to get up from the covered toilet seat slightly to reach the stall door and knock in reply to let them know there IS someone in here. I sit back down, roll off some more tissue and wipe the snot running freely out my nose. Phew, this has been an intense weeping for sure. I don’t even need to look in a mirror to know my eyes are extremely swollen. I’m relying on the fact that most people at work are so uncomfortable around misery that they would rather act like they don’t see your puffy eyes than have to ask what happened.

It’s been a tough week emotionally. Today is the fifth day in a row that I’ve received bad news; no scratch that, more like catastrophic news. It feels like life has been given the exclusive mandate to keep delivering blow after blow until I finally give in and stay down. My hopes and dreams are driving off smiling into the sunset in a Mercedes convertible with a license plate that has a hand with the middle finger up, leaving me standing by myself, staring in the parking lot. Disappointment always cuts deep, no matter how many times you’ve been there and it’s in this brightly-lit cold toilet stall that I must mourn, get myself together and start over all at the same time.

My hopes and dreams...driving off!


Luckily, I’m quite methodical. If I think back far enough, I should be able to remember a chapter from this old book. I’m sure there’s a formula buried somewhere in the dog-eared pages of the well-kept leather-bound book called Experience. There it is. “Getting your groove back; How to start over for the 99th time”. I start flipping and try to memorize each word.

·       -Don’t do it alone- That should be easy. I have amazing friends and a great family. I prefer to be alone for now but I’ll remember this in a day or two.
·   -Do it anyway- This will come in handy when my feelings and my responsibilities are at opposite poles. I’ll remember this because at the end of the day, a girl’s gotta eat.
·       -Do it continually- Basically go through the motions. Fake it till you make it. Got it.
·      -Do what you do best- That I can do as well. Put aside what I’m failing at for now and focus on perfecting what I’m doing well. This is so productive!

The tears have stopped and the bathroom is clear of humans. ‘If I don’t move now, I might not leave today. Don’t think, just do.’ I get up as fast as I can and yank the stall door open. Bye-bye Gerald. I didn’t tinkle so we are ok. I throw a quick look at the mirror outside the stall and confirm my swollen eye suspicions. Keeping my eyes fixed on the ground, I walk out of the bathroom and towards my desk, No one stops me, no one notices me. It’s only once I’m seated at my desk typing away that I notice a colleague staring at me. She quickly looks away when our eyes meet. That’s what I thought. I resume my typing.

Before I know it, it’s time to head home. I made it. I made it through today. Tomorrow is another day.


Saturday, 31 March 2018

Coming Full Circle


It’s been an action-packed few weeks, and by action packed, I don’t mean the physical action. I mean so much happening all at once. Some things were good, some not so good and naturally with that came a roller-coaster of emotions.  However, one emotion now overrides all the others I’ve been dealing with; Thankfulness.

I could write a hundred books on all that I’ve learnt in just the past month. I could tell you how I’m learning about what’s most important in life. I could tell you about all the people that will disappoint you no matter how close they are to you. I could tell you everything that has gone left instead of going right. But I’ll also tell you that for each thing that went left, five others have gone right. For every person that disappointed, three others have stepped up to the plate. For every gap that was left, it was filled to overflow, and for the places where the coin showed tails, it was completely flipped to show heads.

I’ve never claimed to be a saint, (#girlwithapast, #girlwithafuture), but the few things and people I’ve loved, I’ve done to the best of my ability. On the top of that list, is my love for God, and somewhere in the first half is my passion for writing. These two things have held a place in my heart for as long as I can remember.  Recognition was never my goal, and I didn’t expect a prize for what I did in regard to those two areas. It was like something you know for a fact in your heart and somehow, that’s enough for you. What I wanted to do was get better at loving God and continue to write whenever I could. That’s why I joined Bible Study Fellowship (B.S.F) over six years ago. And that’s why I started by writing for the school magazine back in high school. So for me it was not a coincidence that among all the other things that have happened lately, the same week I was approached to become a leader at B.S.F is the same week I was asked to write an article for my former high school’s magazine. For me, it was like coming full circle. In the words of certain Kung-Fu masters, “the student becomes the master”! These aren’t earth-shattering and they wouldn’t make prime time News but to me, they were like a wink from God, as if to say nothing goes unnoticed by Him. As if to say “I see your heart, and I got you”.

And so now, I can also tell you how I’m learning that instead of being filled with worry, my heart should overflow with gratitude. And hope. And a renewed zeal to just go out there and keep doing some good. It doesn’t matter how small and insignificant you think it was, and it doesn’t matter if no one was there to see you do it.

Be deliberate about what you put out into the universe; because if you’re patient enough and never stop believing, what you put out will always come back to you.

Thursday, 22 February 2018

Soundtracks to the movie about my life



The people who get to make a movie on my life will be lucky bastards, if I do say so myself. It will definitely be a full color picture in HD that will break box office records and win some Oscars! It will give such an adrenaline rush and have people gripping the edges of their seats and re-thinking the way they are living; ‘filimu yamasasi’ basically! But the best part of that movie will be the soundtracks!

1.       Knowing you Jesus - Graham Kendrick
I have been back and front, had some experiences that I thought were life changing. I have met some pretty incredible people and ticked impressive boxes on my ‘To-do list’, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING could ever compare to knowing Jesus the way that I have gotten to and continue to do. Everything that I am, every good thing that you think you may see in me, everything that I will ever be, will be because of God in my life. If this soundtrack is left out of the movie of my life, then it’s a lie.

2.       I lived - One republic
Everything I’ve done, I’ve done with all I got. This means that the highs felt like flying in a clear blue sky, and that the lows were felt with equal intensity. I’ve felt happiness, and excitement and pleasure, and fear and anger and pain. I’ve known true love and heartbreak. I’ve felt my heart explode with elation and seen my eyes red and puffy from tears. I’ve danced in the rain and camped in forests. I’ve eaten salads and sung in the church choir. I’ve had a movie marathon at the cinema and eaten breakfast on the floor. I’ve been above the clouds and in the water. I’ve owned every single second of my life.

3.       Photograph – Nickelback
Because each moment was so well lived, I find myself looking back often with fondness. I wonder how my old friends are doing, and where life has taken them. I remember how big everything seemed then and see how small it is now. I wonder if I’d change anything If I was ever given the chance to go back. I wonder if people remember me the way that I remember them. I wonder how differently things could have turned out if I’d made different choices. I wonder how different things will be five, ten years from now. Sometimes I miss those days, but most times, I’m excited about what’s to come.

4.       Like I’m gonna lose you - Meghan Trainor and John Legend
Relationships are such a big part of my life, especially romantic ones. Believe it or not, romantics still exist. We still believe in the old-fashioned till-forever kind of love. We still believe in true love. We believe in soul-mates and meant-to-be. If we’ve loved you, then you can be sure we went all in. Tomorrow is not promised, and you never know what could happen to those in your life right now. So I believe in loving like today is your last day, and I believe this will be reflected in my life movie.

5.       Do or die - Thirty seconds to Mars
This soundtrack will refer to all the millions of times I’ve had to and will have to start over. It will show that I did not taking anything for granted, but also I was never be afraid to begin again. It will talk about how I lived with no regrets.
Someone once said that the biggest mistake we can make is thinking we have time. I could not agree more.

Wednesday, 3 January 2018

Five pieces of advice I’m happy I didn’t take


"Everything in moderation, including moderation." Oscar Wilde



All my life I’ve been surrounded with people trying to give you their two cents. Most of them had good intentions but some of them didn’t. Some was solicited advice and some not. As a young girl, you generally tend to listen to those that seem older, wiser and like they’ve been there. It took a whole lot of years and growth to realize that not all advice is to be taken at face value. It took lots and lots of mistakes to know that it won’t always turn out for you like it did for the one advising you, and it took a whole lot of confidence to know that all advice is to be put into consideration but not all of it is to be acted upon. I have found that for me and the specific set up that is my life, most of the advice given works better with a slight twist.

If I had to group all the advice I’ve been given over the years that I’m happy I didn’t take into five categories, it’d fall under the following;

1)      Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know
This goes hand in hand with other common sayings like “An old broom know all the corners”, and thinking inside the box. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people even to this day still dish out this advice and I get it; it’s safe, you know exactly what you’re getting into and you can control it from start to finish. This advice was given to me in reference to friends, romantic relationships, business opportunities, travel, beauty products, name it! But guess what, the devil you now know was once an angel you didn’t know. Here’s another fact for you; you can’t control everything in life no matter how hard you try. Here’s another even truer fact; nothing great was ever achieved in a comfort zone. You have to take some risks. I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, but allow yourself to step out of your box of comfort and try something new. It can be a calculated risk (there’s professionals now that can do that for you). Life in itself is a risk because you could die at any minute. I’m glad I didn’t take this advice so literally because some of these “angels I didn’t know” turned out to be some of the best decisions I ever made!
Twist: Give the angel you don’t know at least one chance and then make an informed non-biased and open-minded decision.

2)      When in Rome, do as the Romans do
Spoiler alert; sometimes even the “Romans” are looking for fresh ideas! They are looking for someone with a fresh perspective to shake things up a little bit. I must warn you that this has a lot to do with timing. My friends and colleagues have told me repeatedly to try to blend in. Keep your head down and do what others do but I can assure you that I’ve seen this piece of advice disproved over and over especially in the work setting. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always a good idea to first find out how the “Romans” have been doing it and why they’ve been doing it that way, but after you have this information, don’t be afraid to respectfully speak out about the ideas brewing in your mind that could improve efficiency where needed. I remember this one high school I went to where girls were allowed to wear their hair long but only if it was in its natural state. This was a time before we had easy access to all these amazing Natural hair products on the market today. Because of the natural texture of African hair, water is like the worst enemy for most hair-do’s. By the time I joined this school, shampoo was persona-non-grata on the Beginning of term shopping list. Washing your hair while at school was A CRIME. When I inquired as to why no one ever dared to have shampoo, it was because no one needed it since no one was going to risk washing their hair in school. Everyone believed that if you did, your hair would shrink beyond redemption. So when I began to carry shampoo with me to school, the other girls watched from a safe distance as I embarked on washing my hair at least once a week. Yes the hair did shrink but it would be back to its normal state within a day. It wasn’t long before shampoo was appearing on the shopping lists of more girls in that school. I’m not saying your new-age ideas will always be accepted with open arms but the worst that could happen is your idea being rejected. On the flip side of that coin, the potential benefits are limitless.
Twist: When in Rome, find out why the Romans do what they do, then “pimp that joint up!!”

3)      Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve
I have to admit that this advice was accurate more times than I preferred. For a long while it felt like every time I didn’t listen to this advice, I got burned. For me, it translated into “don’t trust people” and “never give your all because you will be disappointed”, and let’s face it, in this world, there’s enough disappointment to serve seven billion people. One thing kept me coming back though: PASSION.  I couldn’t bring myself to do things just for the sake of it. Passion was literally what drove me, it was my fuel. Without it, I was like a car with no engine and that would have been of no use to myself or those around me. It took me a while but eventually I developed a healthy balance that allows me to be passionate in whatever I do. I learnt about forgiving those that misused my trust. I learned that you can still love people from a distance. I learned that trust is earned not just given. I learned that wearing your heart on your sleeve does not necessarily mean being as sweet as a Georgia peach 24/7. I learned what to say and what to keep to myself and how to differentiate the two. I also learned that there will be times when actions spoke louder than words and other times when words would be of greater impact. I learned that not everybody wished you well so sometimes you have to tread carefully. I learned that even after learning all these things, you will still get disappointed every now and then and that’s ok. But I learned all these with heart. And passion. This is the one advice that I’m ever so glad I didn’t take because it has helped me GROW into the person I am. It has made me strong and brave and “full of life”.
Twist: Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, but wear it somewhere anyway.

4)      Money changes people
Wow. This is the most complex of all pieces of advice. Even to this day, I feel like I’m still discovering the entirety of what it means. It could mean that when someone starts to make a lot of money, then they start to act like they are better than everyone else. It could also mean that when someone starts to make a lot of money, they expect to be treated better than everyone else. It could also mean that when someone starts to make a lot of money, you need to treat them better than anyone else. Now I am a firm believer in the Bible and it says (to paraphrase) not to treat someone better because they are rich or worse because they are poor but we all know that’s not the reality we are living in. I will say this however, from my observation, even before this rich individual changes, the people around him/her start to change. Once you start to become more successful, people change the way they talk to you, the way they treat you and even the way they talk about you. For me, it looks like money doesn’t really change you the person as much as it changes those around this person. And this refers to making money as equally as it does to losing money. Usually, the person in question will change in reaction to the change in the people around him/her. So maybe before you start judging a person for their good (or bad) fortune and how it has changed them, first be sure that it hasn’t changed you more.
Twist: money changes people, but not before it changes those around them.

5)      A leopard never changes its spots
The final piece of advice I’m glad I didn’t take is this one. For me, it talks about not only giving second chances but also the gift of acceptance. Now as a person that has received more second chances in this life time than I deserve, I admit I may be a little biased. But which one of us has never messed up so bad that you would do just about anything for a chance to turn back time and do it all different, for a chance to make amends? Which one of us can say they are the exact same person they were five, ten years ago, nothing at all has changed in their character? Why is it that we are so lenient with ourselves and not the same with others? Why is it that we believe we have changed for the better but the evil person you knew ten years ago is always going to be that way? I am not ashamed to say that I am a leopard whose spots changed and continue to change for better! This goes back to advice #1 above. I mean I’m not going to trust you with my bank details if the last time we met you conned me and cleaned out my account, and I definitely won’t write a recommendation for you for your job as a cashier, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give you a place to crash for a few days when you’re in a tight spot, or attend your child’s christening. I will give you the benefit of a doubt and allow you to prove yourself. These chances have a limit in number of course (I’m not Jesus. Although I’m working towards that. Can I get an Amen?!) But you can be sure it will be more than one. Because from one leopard to another, spots can change. Sometimes all the leopard needs is someone willing to see that.
Twist: Some leopards never change their spots, some just need you to look closer.

I’m grateful to have people in my life that take time to drop some wisdom on me, but for the five pieces above, I’m even more grateful that I never listened.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

The successes we can't see

How do you know when you’ve made it? When can you confidently call yourself a success? According to current societal trends, there’s about five distinct ways to find out. If you’re swimming in a ton of cash. It doesn’t even have to be cold hard paper, but if you’re making money by the millions, you’re considered successful. If you have a great job that allows you to pay your bills, you’re successful. If you excel academically and have exceptional academic accolades, you will be considered successful.  As you grow up and reach a certain age, having a family would put you in the successful category. From beauty, to fame, to exposure and number of friends, the categorization of success differs wherever you go. However, one sure way to know that you’ve succeeded in some way is if people are coming to you for guidance. They’ll want tips on how to get where you are, and to know how you approached a specific situation. They’ll want to dress like you dress and talk like you talk. They’ll come to you for advice and hang on to every single word you say because in that particular way, you represent success.

Which is why I was perplexed for the longest time about the lady next door. I could see no way in which she was successful. Tall, dark-skinned and over-weight, she wasn’t employed and had not been since she had her second child. She often dressed in ragged old clothes and walked around the neighborhood with unkempt hair and muddy shoes. Her phone conversations could be heard all the way from the main road. Her children were more often than not loitering around the neighborhood naked, muddy and usually with snot running down their nostrils. A quick look at her front yard might have you confusing it with a dumping site; the overgrown grass failed to cover up used diapers, black polythene bags with week-old water stagnated in them and fresh fruit peels littering the compound. Her husband, also unemployed, could be found at any given time on any given day of the week, sitting outside a bar or next to one of the local kitchens ordering for the famous “rolex”. It probably was his coping mechanism to get away from his ever-crying children and several utility company field officials that often came by to hand him a disconnection notice due to failure or extended delay in paying the bills.

What left me perplexed in particular about Ms. Lady next door was that people came to her for advice! It wasn’t uncommon to find one of those very large fancy cars parked right outside her gate, the owner an equally posh and refined lady or couple. Probably due to a semblance of shame, she would seat her visitors on plastic white chairs out in her front yard in the grass-less patch that was once a gully for water but had been enlarged by children playing in it. (I once went over to congratulate her upon the birth of her second child; the inside of the house was not only smaller, but also worse than the outside of the house.) These guests often purchased some of the ‘organic” home-made juice she sold and carried it home along with the advice she dished out. It was also not uncommon, during one of her broadcasted phone calls, to hear her give advice to a breast-feeding mother on how to properly breastfeed, pregnant ladies on how to handle the transition from delivery, mothers who were having problems with getting their infant children to eat healthy as well as wives with marital issues. Each of these conversations was always punctuated with several loud and high pitched laughs, various exclamations of surprise or shock, and sounds of chewing on something.  I wondered how, after seeing the mess that was her life, any one could take advice from her! Wasn’t the reason people got advice from someone who had it all together because they had it all together, or at least appeared to? Weren’t you supposed to be successful?

For months, I wondered silently and curiously. Did these people not see what I saw? Did they just not care? Were such conditions a normal occurrence in their lives and so not a shock? Or did they not even notice? Was this lady conducting some sort of con-artist business in broad day light? Was there something she was putting in that “organic” juice?

It wasn’t until I had an unexpected run-in with the children that it all made sense. Ms. Lady next door might not be BeyoncĂ© or Indra Nooyi but she was successful in her own right. Her children, once cleaned up, were really polite and friendly. She was pursuing her P.H.D. Her husband was a good father, always playing with the children whenever he was home. And they were happy! Not one night would go by without hearing laughter come out of their home. She had some little sure victories tucked into her belt; you just had to look a little closer to see. Those who did saw it, and kept coming back.


It’s so easy to dismiss someone because they are not shiny on the surface. It’s so easy to over-look someone because they don’t tick any of the “successful” boxes. But if you took the time to dig just a little deeper, you just may be surprised. 

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Dear God...

Dear God,

This is a thank you note.

Allow me to elaborate.

My grand aunt (if that’s even an English word) was a single mother of five. Her husband, after over a decade of marriage, woke up one day and decided his five children did not mean that much to him anymore; he got himself a new wife, and went ahead to have four more children with his new wife. At the time this happened, her eldest child (my aunt) was about eleven years old.

This tale is vivid in my mind because I looked up to my grand aunt in all matters spiritual. You could cut her up, limb by limb and she would still not give up her faith in Jesus.

 I was an eager and curios child of maybe fifteen, a very impressionable age if you ask me. A group of about five of us were seated in a living room of her village home in Western Uganda, listening  intently to grand aunt tell this tale. The look in her eyes was one that said ‘I don’t expect you to believe me but this actually happened”. It was a cold night so we were all covered up in different kinds of warmers, all eyes on her, no one daring to breathe too loud lest we miss even a word. As she spoke, eyes darting from one person to other, she leaned forward into all of us, one thin hand holding her evening cup of tea, the other gesturing for effect. Every two minutes or so, she stopped to seep from the severely diluted cup of milk tea (she liked it that way- diabetes and all that), a smile playing on her lips. The story was narrated in our local language; I suspect it was to make sure we pay attention and to add dramatic effect.

Back in her time, the road network in villages was not as extensive or developed as it is now. She was a Primary School teacher and her second born son was just about to sit for his Primary Leaving examinations. By this time, her estranged husband was about to have his third child with his new bride. Her candidate son had not paid school fees. It was a Sunday and she was embarking on a journey from the town where she taught in one district to the boarding school her son studied in another district, hoping to beg for mercy so they could let her child sit the exams and allow her to pay the school fees later. The Primary Leaving Examinations were to begin early the next morning and if she didn’t arrive today, it would be too late. So after her classes that day, she got into one of those small taxis that ferry people from one district to another upcountry. The taxi only went as far as the district town Centre. From there she would have to walk a journey of about ten kilometers on a dirt road through a swamp to reach her son’s school.

With all its various stops for passengers, the taxi arrived in the district past seven pm. She was determined still, and after waiting about thirty minutes at the stage, hoping to hitch a ride with a passenger vehicle that may be headed the same way, she decided to take her chances and walk before it got too late. About 4km and an hour later, her hope was starting to fade. It was terribly cold, mist all around because of the swamp and only the sound of a thousand crickets for company on that dark road. She was cold, tired, hungry, and scared.

At this point, she stopped to take a sip from her cooling cup of tea.  I used the opportunity to change posture as my leg had started to feel pins and needles.

It’s past nine pm now and she is only about half way the journey. At this point, all hope is gone and she breaks down and starts to cry and pray to God. She won’t make it to the school alive, and even if some strange men don’t rob or kill her in this swamp, they will never let her into the school at that time. Even if they let her in, her son’s teachers would be asleep already and where would she spend the night? Her son would have to go through the class again and she would have to pay fees for an extra year with money she didn’t even have. “Why was she going through this”, she asked God.

At just that moment, she spots a church about half a kilometer away. It’s the only place with electricity she has seen so far so she decides this is where she will spend the night and deal with tomorrow’s troubles tomorrow. At this point, she can barely drag herself up the church steps, and is even more exhausted from all the bitter crying she has done.

She sits up during the narration, switches her cup of tea to the other hand, adjusts the shoal covering her legs, widens her eyes, and with all certainty, without blinking, says, “That’s when I saw the angel”.

It was a man, very tall and big with large wings and with so much light coming from him that he lit up the whole church compound, all the way down to the road. At first she wasn’t sure what was happening and when she did realize what was happening, she was too dumbfounded to respond.

The details from this point are not clear but the angel informed her that not only would she make it to the school but her son would excel in the exams he was sitting for the next day. He doesn’t remember how she did it but with renewed vigor, she walked the remaining kilometers to the school and found a teacher that let her spend the night and went on to assist her sort out the P.L.E issues the next day.

My Uncle sat for his Primary Leaving Examinations the next day and went on to become the best in the country that year. He is currently a surgeon in the United States. My Grand aunt eventually became the headmistress of that school but has since retired with various businesses. All five children are actually doing exceptionally well. Even now, you won’t go to her house and leave without hearing about Jesus.

I remember how for the longest time I prayed and prayed to God that I too would see an angel but the prayers became less and less until they were no more. For a long while, I thought that maybe You didn’t answer that prayer because I would eventually see angels when I get to heaven and it was all a lesson in patience but it hit me recently that I’ve been so wrong all this time.

You did send me angels, not one but many. They may not be ten feet tall or shine like the sun. They may not have big wings or leave me dumbfounded. However they do help me up when I fall, and give me strength to go on when I am sure I can’t. They support me and make things possible. They encourage me and accept me. They renew my vigor to walk this journey. They show me that my grand aunt’s tale is true. They show me that you not only heard my prayers but you answer them.


So God, this is a thank you note. For all the angels you’ve surrounded me with, and for the others that I will see when I get to heaven. 

Friday, 30 June 2017

Enervated

Wolf and lamb in the same skin
My protector and my murderer are one and the same
Love and anger wrestle in the same dark small cubicle
Pain; the feeling of having your skin peeled off as you watch
Of someone taking your four fingers, pulling each two apart in opposite directions until the skin reaps
Until there's blood everywhere and the smell of putrid raw flesh fills the room
My healing lies within my suffering
You should have known. You should have intuition about these things; how couldn't you tell?
If we are joined at the hip, aren't we joined at heart as well?
Isn't my sin your sin? Don't you hear the words in these tears falling down my eyes?


I need for you to fix it, to nudge me forward and take me back to the beginning
Where it all started, and where it ended
To stay by my side and leave me alone
Reverse time; make it so none of it ever happened, so we still have that picture perfect I saw the first time I looked in your eyes
Take me back to innocence, where I could look the world dead in the eyes, a stare-down where only I could have won
My savior and condemner wear a shared face
If you weren't here, would I have felt all this pleasure? Would I have felt all this pain?
My fate is sealed; I must carry the heavy shadows on my bent back down this dark narrow winding path
I must wade through the muddy knee-high waters underneath the bridge I once rode on, the stone bridge I paved myself with bruised hands to keep me from drowning
My darkness is my light.
Will you relieve me, my captor and my hero?